Dare to Talk, Care to Listen

Dielogues …

… are conversations that address our personal views on death and dying.

… are conversations focusing on matters that are important to us as we approach the end of life. These include:

Our preferred type of care
Our concerns on illness and suffering
Our definition of living well
Our concerns for family and other relationships
How we like to be remembered (will, funeral, legacy)
Practical matters like business, bills, estate

Dielogues are important …

… as we all die one day.

Some find it hard as they…

Do not wish to face their own mortality. But we know that,
- Talking about dying won’t make it happen.
- Not talking about dying does not prevent it.
Fear upsetting others.
- Yes, it can be an emotional conversation but your views and concerns need to be heard. Likewise, be a good listener when your loved ones share theirs.
Do not know how.
- The biggest reason for discomfort with talking about death/ dying is that they do not know how to broach the topic (45%).

I wanted to talk about it, but my sister just said “Choy! Don’t talk about such things.”

“We never talked much to each other anyway. I am not about to start with such a topic.”

“It is sad enough without having to talk about it. Talking about what may happen just makes it more sad.”

Every day about
0 people die in Singapore.

For many of us, we leave words unsaid and things undone until it is too late.

Many have found that by talking openly about dying, they got to make the most of life and gained mutual support in the process.

Conversely, when we avoid talking about dying, we can feel isolated as others fail to understand the concerns and provide the necessary support.

“Knowing what she wanted lifted a burden off me.”

“I did not want to add to their worries by leaving all my stuff for them to sort out.”

“We were having conflicts as to what was the best thing to do. If only we knew what he wanted.”

Without clear instructions, those left behind may also face difficulties tidying up loose ends. This may result in guilt, regrets and conflicts.

We had a patient with a severe neurological condition. She was bed-bound and deteriorating very rapidly. She was also suffering from recurrent chest infection. Her husband had said that she was very clear that she only wanted to be kept comfortable if she could no longer communicate with others. However her relatives came and demanded that she be sent to the intensive care unit. That would not have helped much except maybe increase her suffering with all the tubes and lines. Fortunately, she had documented her preferences in an advance care plan. This helped to resolve the conflict between her husband and her siblings. She died peacefully 2 weeks later.

Dr Beverly Siew
Palliative Care Physician